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Coffing Data Warehousing Software

The Data Warehouse “Monopoly Game”

Tera-Tom here! Almost everyone has played the board game Monopoly with their friends and family, but is your database vendor trying to play data warehouse Monopoly with you? Here’s how you recognize it.

The salesperson starts the Monopoly game by landing on your property unannounced as he rolls the dice that you are alone in your office.  He then mentions that he is “Just Visiting”, but then lets you know that their new deluxe edition of hardware and “utilities” is twice as fast as the old system. His pitch promises you Boardwalk, but his biggest fear is that you will get “bored and walk”.  

It’s your turn to move next, and you roll snake eyes as you try to balance yourself when he reveals the price.  

It is the salesperson’s turn, and he pounds his community chest and hits you with a short line, “It is important to have all of your data in one centralized data warehouse”.  He knows that he will meet his yearly sales quota if you pay the luxury tax.

If you say yes, the salesperson will light up like the Electric Company, but if you say no, the tears will fall like Water Works.

The salesperson rolls a double and then mentions that combining their education and professional services credits allow you to pay less, just like an auction.  

If you mess up here remember that there is no Get out of Jail Free card, but the data warehouse vendor passes Go and collects 200 thousand dollars!  

This is where the salesperson quietly mumbles Checkmate.

Take the advice I gave to a customer in Australia, “Don’t write the check, mate!”

It’s your turn and you remember that there is a reason your company chose you to be the banker.  So you mention that it’s a buyers’ market so why pay for Park Place when Baltic Avenue gets great performance too?

The salesperson tries to speak out of turn, but you remind him that you’re not buying the B & S Railroad and that you were born at night but it wasn’t last night!

The salesperson’s next move is to mention, “The best property of their data warehouse is that users can join any data at any time across the board”.

You explain that your company’s data is so large that no one vendor can house it all.  You tell him that you only have a fixed amount of money and that the game has changed to the “Price is Right” and since you’re “Smarter than a 5th Grader”, your job is to never put your company in Jeopardy by allowing any one player to have a Monopoly.

He strategically moves four spaces to the left and sits down in the chair and remarks, “But think of all the good deeds I have done for you?”.

You have worked 50 hours a week for the past 10 years while raising three kids so you move two spaces forward, lean in, and use your favorite quote, “No good deed goes unpunished”.

Knowing that he is about to be eliminated from the game he moves rapidly to the board and draws all the systems you have in different dry erase colors:

  • Teradata
  • Oracle
  • DB2
  • SQL Server
  • Amazon Redshift
  • Azure SQL Data Warehouse
  • Greenplum
  • Hadoop
  • Netezza
  • Postgres
  • Excel

He says that he feels the need to say his piece and tells you that having a hybrid on-premises and multi-cloud strategy makes it impossible to join data across all the systems in your enterprise.

You advance your piece by explaining to him that your company has decided to house the data on many different platforms.  And that you have found a way to hit the “Jackpot” when you realized that the best place to invest company money is on the user’s desktop.  The game isn’t about hardware any more, but about software.

He counters and says he thinks that that could be a giant question mark.

You then tell him that you have purchased a Universal license of the Nexus from Coffing Data Warehousing so you can buy whatever system has the best price and properties.

Just like the new Community Chest cards the salesman turns blue.

You tell him that the Nexus allows every user in the company to move data between systems, perform cross-system joins, and that Nexus even builds the SQL automatically.  The business users love it because it is so easy to build and share reports and the IT people love it because they can store and retrieve information across all systems.

He explains that their systems have received the title of “best analytics” from the Gardner Group!

You tell him that they are nothing but a square board and that their opinion is worth about as much as Marven Gardens.  You further explain that the Nexus has a Garden of Analysis that takes answer sets from any system and then allows any user to build hundreds of advanced analytic reports inside their own PC.

He counters and says that the Nexus sounds like a big gamble, but you inform him that if you wanted to gamble you would go to Atlantic City.

He says he feels bad about being the bearer of bad news, but that if you allow users to move data between systems or perform cross-system joins, and initiate them from the desktop, that the data flows through the user’s PC.  He also informs you that analytics on big data is too big for a PC to be able to calculate in a timely manner.

You tell him that you would never blame the messenger, but that is when you decide to end the game by telling him about the NexusCore Server.  

You say, “We purchased several NexusCore servers and they work in conjunction with every user’s desktop Nexus.  Users can build and initiate everything on their desktop, but they have the option to handle smaller data on their desktop Nexus or they can let any NexusCore Server run the jobs for them”.  No data movement ever has to travel through the user’s PC except the final answer set.

You know that your users using Nexus can get analytics from any system or from either the NexusCore Server or from the user’s PC.  You can move data between any system with extreme ease and speed and you can join data from different systems as easy as if all of your data was on a single system.  

He rolls with an emotional plea that you don’t want to land on Chance!

Your role is to remind him that there are 10 tokens in Monopoly and that you are picking the iron and giving him the boot.

He asks if you can at least validate his parking ticket and you respond, “Sorry, but its now company policy that there’s no Free Parking”.  The salesperson realizes he has been eliminated from the game and he heads back to his hotel.  

You send him the slides below to show what features you purchased.  

Congratulations!  You have united the different system colors into the color of cash and you have won the game of Data Warehouse Monopoly.